Fear and Frustration

“No good work is ever done while the heart is hot and anxious and fretted.” 

-Olive Schreiner

So for the last three days, I have been a total and complete mess of emotions. I have been sleeping, crying, eating, repeat. I have barely seen another human being. I have been wallowing in a pit of self pity. It's time I grow up. I am not going to be moving out as I had planned. I don't know what plans to make now. I don't know what to do with my life. Everytime someone tells me I need to do school, I want to scream at them and tell them to shut up and that it's not an option. Mark and I are getting a lot of opposition to our relationship, and support in some unlikely places. When someone voices their opinion I want to just shout at them that it's none of their business. This is made worse by the fact that we are currently living almost an hour apart and don't have regular communication because of phone difficulties. 

I have anxiety. I can usually manage it, or at least pretend to manage it. The last few days have been totally over whelming as I felt all my recent plans disappear. I don't know what I want in life. I don't know how to figure out what I want in life. I know I want to write, but about what or where or when eludes me. I feel this bubbling urge to get things down on paper but I feel under qualified and incompetent. 

The next few months are going to be concentrated on getting a vehicle, writing a story, and finding a new job I think. I don't know. This could all change in the next week again, too. I don't know what my future holds, and I'm guessing you don't have the answers for me either, but hey at least I wrote something down! I need to find a bit of peace and so I'm starting to try and change my mindset because I suspect this is the first step to going down a new path.

Last Month Count Down

"We keep moving forward, opening new doors, and doing new things, because we're curious and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths." - Walt Disney

This is the last month before I move out of my family home. I've lived in the same house since I was 2 years old. It is the same house my father was raised in. My dads biological father died here long before I was born, and my mother has died here. My life in this house has been bitter sweet. Lots of good times but there has been many bad or troubled times here too. 

I've lived overseas for short term, and I lived in an apartment in town for short term but I've never moved out before. I'm taking a big step. My  fiance and I will be renting with a friend in the next city over for the first couple of months. Low rent giving us a chance to get our feet under us. I know in the last month and a half my blogging has fallen out of pattern. It's probably going to stay sporadic for a bit of time. 

I can't wait to go and open these new doors. No. I don't know where I'm going to work, or what I'm going to do, but I turn 22 at the end of this month and oddly enough I no longer want to live with my dad and my 18 year old sister. It's not terribly abnormal I don't think. Things are really stressed right now in my family, and unfortunately I don't have the skills to be able to stand up under it for much longer. There is a future and I'm finally starting to get excited for it!