Friday, September 7, 2012

Black, White, and Rainbow Shades of Right and Wrong.

The question today that has been plaguing me, is when do you hold your tongue? My entire life I've been struggling with honesty. Not about BEING honest. I'm pretty honest. There have been times I've lied (yes mom, I did eat all my lunch today.... noooo that wasn't MY sandwich you saw me throw into the hedge on my way up to the door....) or I've stretched the truth because I've been in a tight spot and needed to phrase something a certain way. But in general, I try to be open and honest. I sometimes even use honesty to deflect from more raw emotions. So why do people have such a hard time being honest? Why does my honesty seem to make people confrontational?

I hate being around dishonesty people. Especially when I owe those people. When do you draw the line, and where? Why do people help others, how do you recognize when they are helping for their own benefit, or using you, and how do you reconcile the need to accept the help and the need to make sure you aren't going to be used? When you know people you love are being lied to, or lying to others, when is it your place to step in? Especially when you have become a target for the lies? I hate manipulation, but even more than that, I hate people who have the gall to just flat out lie. Not even make an effort past saying "no thats not true".

My "flavor" of the week, as my Nana termed it, is my goal to move to Calgary next year. I don't know if it will happen. I just know I want to get out of here and get away from this town with a hundred years of generational drama pouring down without guilt or shame or manipulation because I chose to distance myself from parts of the family. I am related to probably every other person in my town. I can list by name and relation those people in my family I trust and love - guilt free.I can list the family I like hanging out with, and feel comfortable with. 

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